Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
