I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
