life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
