I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
