i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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