Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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