If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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