3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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