Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the day after is always just damage control
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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