if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
