I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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