I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
