i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
