You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize