Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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