Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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