when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I love having hate sex.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
