the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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