god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
