I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
