dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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