I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
