I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
please don't ironically join a cult
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