We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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