Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i drank out of a bidet.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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