Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
