Already got asked if we're dating
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just pee around me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
