I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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