I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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