Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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