I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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