just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
