you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
