You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
