i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
