last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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