I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
