He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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