I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
