just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
