do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
