dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
