So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
