Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
