at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
