The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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