It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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