I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
