Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
