yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
