1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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