I love watching others lives come down to our level.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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