I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
