remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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