pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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