I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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