Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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