Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
