you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize