And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
