Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
