I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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