I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
