I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this just has baby written all over it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
