We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
