someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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