the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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